After my breakup with my children’s father, I went through a period of deep self-study. It wasn’t just about “getting over” a relationship; it was about figuring out who I was, what I wanted for myself, and what I truly desired in a future partner.
I learned something important during that time: The way a partner reflects you back to yourself can either be a catalyst for growth or a signal to retreat.
When Reflection Hurts and We Run
In my past relationship, there came a point when we stopped being partners in growth. When we saw something in the other person we didn’t like, for an example: a flaw, a bad habit, an insecurity, we didn’t lean in to work on it. We pulled away.
The more we ran from those reflections, the further apart we grew. Eventually, we were no longer building a shared life, we were just living parallel ones. And here’s the truth I’ve had to own: as much as I wanted to place the blame fully on him, I had stopped wanting to work on things too. Not because I was lazy or unwilling, but because deep down, I knew he wasn’t the person I wanted to grow with anymore. My journey was calling me somewhere else.
When Reflection Heals and We Stay
Fast forward to now, I’m married to someone who reflects my healthy self back to me. He reflects my intuition, my worth, my strengths. And yes, he also reflects the places I still need healing.
But here’s the difference.. WE STAY.
We talk about it.
We work on it together.
When something in him reflects something in me that I want to improve, I don’t run and neither does he. Instead, we see it as an invitation to grow side by side. And when my healing reflects something back to him, he meets me there. It’s not always comfortable. But it’s honest. And it’s safe.
The Lesson in All of This
Not every relationship is meant to last forever, and that’s not failure. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is recognize when you’ve grown apart and give yourselves the space to heal separately. Other times, you find a partner who meets you in the discomfort, holds your hand through it, and sees the work as part of the journey. Both are valid. Both are part of growth. The key is knowing which season you’re in and whether you’re running from the reflection or learning from it.
I invite you to:
Think about your closest relationships, be it romantic or otherwise. When someone reflects something in you that feels uncomfortable, do you run from it, or do you lean in and explore it? There’s wisdom in your answer.
Cheers,
Coach Jo 🩷
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